A Widow's Cry

A WIDOW’S CRY

"I felt so helpless, I sat watching him die
I just had to scream "OH LORD WHY? WHY?"
Lord, I seemed to turn my fury on you
You understood - that's what grief can do

It can break your heart and mar your soul
Death helped old Satan to attain his goal
I felt my world suddenly come to an end
When I lost my husband, my lover and friend."

Never ever in my life have I felt so alone
Being split in two the best half of me, gone
Reassuring myself I say "He'll come back."
Death’s storm is still raging, swirling to black

I plummeted there upon life's troubled sea
With no one to cling to, Lord, except Thee
Lord, do not let the waves carry me away
Hold my hand, as you did Peter's that day.

Anchor my life, so these waves I can ride
Then safe in your bosom, Lord, let me hide,
Then help me to live life, one-day-at-a-time
Lord, then show me how make-one-day-mine

Now stay close beside me, help me rearrange
From my 'old' life to 'new', help me to change.,
Take all hurts-and-longings, show me the way
Then help me to accept life, .as it is today

You know my heart Lord, help me to let go
Of a precious dear one that I've needed so
Tenderly hold me in your big loving arm
Love me, protect me, Lord from all harm

I don't seem to handle this affliction well
I know old death comes straight from hell
Like other diseases, taking loved ones away
Breaking the hearts of your children today

written in love
by Jenny wren
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To: the widow/widower

To one who has loved and lost their love to death. If you have recently lost a mate in your life and you are going through all of the different emotions you never realized that you had, it is a thing that you think you shall never endure. Losing a mate. But take heart child; you shall be alright.

Trust God, and do not fight the loneliness - it is a part of the grieving process. If it has been such a short while since your love passed away, place this letter away until you can stand to read it.

I do not know exactly what to write, but I have asked God How to write this letter and He has never led me astray. If my deductions are about right, you should be about in the place I was in about right now. Just about to accept what we can never change again. No, it is not easy. I will never say that. It is one of the hardest matters you shall ever go through.

One half of you is totally gone, and it is not coming back, no matter how hard you pretend it is only a dream. It does not stop hurting, not one speck less, but a coping will very soon start to happen. Meanwhile, do not be ashamed to cry. You have lost, your loved one, and your loss is a dire one.

The only reason I know this - I have been there. I did not think I could live, and there were days I did not care if I did live or die.

Death is no respecter of people. Death is a real word, and it is a very real happening. It happened with losing both of my husbands, and I was so torn up and did not think that I could ever get over the loss. But with the Lord's gentle concern and my friends all trying to help, I finally started to come around.

Have you gone through the stage of just being peeved at him for leaving you yet? Then, the feeling of the unbearable guilt that covered you for suddenly having such a hurtful feeling? Then numbness sets in, as if you are in a land far off and cannot find your way back.

I would sit and look at picture albums of hubby , myself and the children and new tears would come out of my dry empty (I thought) soul. Some pictures I tore up. I was mad at him and the world for leaving me alone. I was even mad at God; I had myself several pity parties.

Then I would sit and feel so very guilty. Then suddenly, you think "How on earth could I have ever felt this for my other half?” Yet I was really mad at him for leaving me alone.

Then after about three months, I started to feel like I was the only (I mean ONLY) one who had ever loved him. It seemed the rest of the family steered clear of even talking to me. It was then I got this protective feeling over his memory, because all I did was cry, and I had a need to tell someone how much I missed him. After all we were a part of one another and I had been through the bit of crying until I thought I would go dry, because the tears would just fly out of nowhere.

It was then that I started to write a little about how I felt every few weeks. Eventually I thought of all of the other people in this world who suddenly lose their other half.
 
I want you to keep this letter and see how many of these steps you go through,

One day I got good and tired of being shunned, like I had the plague or something. Friends did not know how to console me, and I also knew that no matter what they said it was not going to help things one whip-stitch! Only God and time can heal a broken heart. I finally noticed that they had totally quit coming to the house, as they had before His passing away. Our home had been the gathering place for the whole community that lived in our area. We would always gather out on the front porch, with the whole neighborhood resting after work.

We would have coffee and maybe soup when it got chilly, and even sampled new recipes or simply watched the kids play hide and seek or catch fireflies. (Lightning bugs)

Sometimes we would watch hubby run off the stray dogs with his BB gun. We would get so tickled - he would make such a commotion getting up shuffling his body about so dramatically that we just knew he was going to shoot them. We the adults and children cringed at the commotion. The poor dog fairly flew over the hillside with its tail sucked under; just knowing they would soon feel a familiar sting! (When, in reality, most of the time he had even forgotten to bring out the gun, which stayed behind the front door, handy for unwanted strays.) The gun would be in the house.

He would laugh as he made this great big 'kudu' about nothing. Porch sitters would holler and laugh at the nut who had fooled the dogs once more (and we people to boot). My Cager was a fun guy. He would tell stories about when he was this ragged pitiful and poor little country kid and they (the stories) grew bigger and more pitiful and with each telling, over the years, with him being the big macho hero in each and every plot. The hero who always comes out the winner. I never remember him being anything but the main character, and also hero, in each tale.

He never failed to have the glider swing full of enraptured little ones, who looked at him as their hero. Eyes wide with anticipation. Even I could hardly wait to hear how the dragged out story was going to end ....this time.)

My Husband sure could make you sit on the edge of your chair as he elaborated on his new found glory. With his sneaky, unnoticed by others,  glances as he looks over at me to see if I was about to once more correct him, or just give up and let him fill the kids heads with his rambunctious stories. (Stories which, I had to admit, even I enjoyed, at times.)

If I failed to correct him, that was his cue to let his imagination go free rein. His tales had a way of running away with him, as all old time story tellers are prone to do, as they are heroes of their own making.

I remember when my children would look at him (almost in ruptured idol-worship) as he talked. They would ask, "Daddy tell us one of your stories------PLEEEEEASE!"

"STORIES?" he would retort. Then, acting almost insulted that they called his childhood a series of adventures. Just plain old stories. Yes, it was hard to lose my Cager and it felt like the better part of me had suddenly disappeared.

There I was, picking up the pieces of my shattered life, which had only truly began to grow after the rearing of our two children. (Our off-spring had lived nearby.) Then it seemed that everyone moved away and suddenly there I was in a house on a hill, all alone. So I shook myself off and said, "It is time to get on with my life, with so many changes. It seems that life is forever in a change." (Even today, it still is.)

I really got upset and one day about two months later when the weather was still warm, I sat on the empty porch, so lonely and all alone.

Suddenly I called Mrs. Smith, my neighbor Colette and Marvin, across the street; I called them from the front porch. Their doors were open and they heard me. I hollered "Help: Hey you guys!"

Boy did that get attention? You bet!

Screen doors popped open and people came running to their porch, "What it is? Jenny? What is wrong?  I was crying so hard by then that I could hardly speak as they come through the gate into our yard. I was suddenly scolding them as still others ran up the hillside to my home.

"I am still alive, Just my husband is gone.” I sobbed. "It was him who died. I am alive. I am alive." When I said that I was convincing myself, it seemed.

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Our meetings and front porch days began anew, starting right then. Coffee and chatter was soon heard with just one family member missing, but he left behind some of the funniest tales and many happy memories. I still pull out a memory or two every once in a while from a packed memory cushion just for getting close with him again or trying to show a wanderer the way back to the fold. It hurts to lose to death.

I hate that you have been hurt so badly. I know what it is you are going through. I wanted to help you dear, in some way, and all I could do is share a memory with you. An Idea, I want you to look anew at your own children (if you have any). There you shall discover parts of your mate, still alive, hiding in each one of them.

They are still living, right now. Search for the part - it is there- a little mannerism, or a way of talking, or phrases said, or even, like with me, in tall tales being told on the front porch.

More and more each and every day you shall start to realize that this is only a temporary separation with you two. Keep that clearly in mind, dear. Remember the good and the bad times; you will notice the bad memories will not show their face too often, soon you will find that.
Like I have, that my hubby in my recalling of happenings is still the 'hero' in my memories. Even after thirty years just as if he is here with me. Once more tonight, as I reminisce life long ago.

I close to you, with much love. Know that God is your companion now and He will provide and supply your each and every need. Read Isaiah, 54th chapter. You shall find that He is the mate to the mateless and He will never die and leave you. This as He has so beautifully done for me.

Love, Your friend
in Jesus Christ

Jenny wren